a series of unfortunate happenings recently.. i will only mention about what happened to me..
but first i need to provide some background information.. i'm those type of person who cries easily.. even the slightest thing can make me cry.. (okay.. think those who are close to me will know..)
so it was the wee hours of 20th of march, wednesday.. was telling sheena that i don't wish to go for work.. cuz it was only me and wei keong reporting for work.. jia ying and myrin were having forced leave as iras was simply overstaffed.. aha.. but i still psycho myself to report for work as i really wish to perservere on something..
and so i slept at 2,3 plus and then woke up at 6.30am.. and as usual, i was half an hour early for work.. i was a bit nervous, just like the first day of work.. cuz the people i was cooked with (jia ying and myrin) wasn't around.. but i told myself at least i appeared for work..
for the first hour or so, i did simple stuff.. but after the first hour, i was to do the job of rovering people.. even though the job was managable in the morning, but my mind was drifting away.. i was really very very moody.. already on the verge of crying.. but i told myself i was working and stopped the tears from coming out.. i asked people for help at the slightest matter.. i wasn't very confident of the decisions i've made.. and i was thinking to myself, "maybe it's the time of the month.." cuz there will be some days of the month where i will just be moody for no reason.. (should be able to tell what am i refering to.. its quite obvious already.. aha..)
and then, the big thing happened.. asked taxpayer A to fill up a form.. and he questioned me in a very very loud voice," why am i supposed to fill up this form?? can't u just fill it up for me??" "but i still need your particulars.." "what for you need my particulars??"
at this moment, taxpayer B asked me questions regarding some issues i've told him earlier on.. of course, i answered his questions.. didn't think of the first-come-first basis principle.. it was a normal reaction to answer when questioned.. and then taxpayer A was unhappy.. he retorted in his loud voice, " attend to my matter first before attending to others!!#$@!$@#%"
and then taxpayer B was unhappy.. and then they started to quarrel over who asked me first.. i was right in the middle of them.. at that moment i was thinking of who did i attended first.. i just can't remember.. so i just answered taxpayer B's queries and ignored taxpayer A's complaints to make taxpayer B go away to stop this heated argument..
after taxpayer B left, taxpayer A was still whining.. and insisted on not filling up his particulars.. he started to scold the fact that i was only a student and still a trainee at that time.. and then daniel (not really sure whether that's his name) came to talk to him.. he still insisted that he don't want to fill up the forms.. so daniel said something back to him.. he damn zai lah.. dare to say such stuff.. (don't want to mention what he said to protect his identity.. aha..)
and then all this while i can already feel the tears forcing their way out.. "control!! i must control!!"
taxpayer A finally left.. then daniel said in a stern voice," you must not be afraid of them.. if not they will just eat you up.." he said.. and then my tears just swell up.. through my blurred vision, i could see that he was a bit shocked.. kept asking me whether i'm okay.. of course i'm not.. then i 哽咽地 say," sorry.. i need to go to the toilet." my tears was bursting out already.. everyone i walked past just started at me.. (it's exactly the same as monday when i rushed to the toilet with a bleeding nose)
spent 10 minutes or so in the toilet.. couldn't stop crying man.. kept thinking of how useless i was.. after i made the tears to stop flowing out, i forced a vague smile on my face and stepped out of the toilet cubicle.. super paiseh.. i was then told it was time for my lunch..
lunch time with wei keong was a bit on the quiet side.. had to rack my brains for topics.. aha..
after lunch, daniel came up to me and said sorry that he was sorry for being so harsh.. but then it wasn't his fault at all.. i asked him to 不要再説了.. cuz once he mention the incident, the tears jiu feel like falling..
work after lunch was even worse.. i felt like a protected animal.. everyone was like so afraid of me crying again.. kept telling me that some taxpayers are like that.. of course i knew that they had kind intentions.. but then at the mention of it, i really really feel like crying agn..
mad a lot of mistakes.. 1 same tax officer came out thrice to tell my superior that i had made mistakes.. at that time i really felt like crying again.. i felt so useless.. i felt so worthless.. wanted to go off early but it was hard for me to open my mouth..
couldn't stop thinking of everything in the mrt.. and a tear drop just fall.. had to yawn to disguise the tear as a tear of tiredness.. while walking home, it was raining.. just the perfect weather for me.. crying in the rain.. now i finally know what that meant..
while crossing the road, i actually hoped that i would accidentally be knocked by a car or something.. or i walk around the neighbourhood for an hour and maybe will get peunomia or something like that.. of course, i didn't do that.. just had intentions..
cried for an hour at home.. kept thinking of how useless i was.. how worthless i was.. how untalented i was.. from the day i was born, maybe i was destined to excel at nothing.. i was
this is a super long post.. (hope i never say out any confidential information..) also, this is a post after i've calmed down.. at some parts of this post, flashblacks appeared in my mind and the tears just fall.. so i really was destined to be useless and crying for everything..
♥blurzgal♥11:25 PM
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